that by avoiding some problem areas...
The quality of your life depends on the quality of the relationships
you have with other people. We're all wired differently. We have
unique and distinct personalities, with different likes and
dislikes. And so, it's very normal and natural for your likes and
dislikes to sometimes not match his likes and dislikes. Be sensitive
about his feelings by keeping the following points in mind...
Avoid being overly judgmental:
Not judging your partner means allowing him the freedom of
expression to speak his mind, and simply being willing to hear it.
This does not mean that you don't have an opinion or that you can't
offer it at some point. In order for him open up to you, he has to
feel truly accepted for who he is. Be patient with him.
Avoid being aggressive:
Learn to manage your anger. If you have a complaint, only raise it
when you are not feeling angry about it. As best you can, speak with
loving words and keep it short and to the point. Don't lecture. Keep
your examples current. Avoid using past hurts to illustrate current
gripes. It only opens up old wounds and causes your man to feel that
they are still paying for past mistakes. Avoid making harsh
statements such as, 'You're just like your mother /father!' This
will only push your guy's anger buttons which might escalate the
disagreement.
Stop criticising:
It is not impressive to a man if you criticise other women in his
presence. This just makes him think you are trying to cover up your
own problems and doubts. People who criticise mostly have low self-
esteem problem.
Avoid smothering him:
Learn to give your guy some space. This will give him an opportunity
to relax and turn matters over in his mind. From time to time, let
him go out and have fun with his friends.
Avoid immature reactions:
Men want women who are emotionally mature. Maturity does not mean
being stoic about your emotions. Rather, it means you have the
ability to handle emotions responsibly. To build a long-term
relationship, learn to take responsibility for your emotional
expression and experience. Set aside time to discuss unresolved
issues: 'I'm feeling uncomfortable about... and would like to talk
about it. What time is agreeable to you?' Pouting, sulking, and
the 'silent treatment' don't make matters any better.
Avoid asking too many questions:
Don't incite your guy by asking questions that are difficult to
answer. You may force him to conceal the truth by asking him
questions ('Do I look fat in this?' "I noticed the way you were
looking at her...') that seem oh-so-harmless at first but can
actually lead to an argument.
Don't mask your true self:
When you lie to your guy so that you can avoid having to make
changes to your life, you are being unfair to them, because you are
deceiving them, making them think you're someone you're not. No
matter how hard you try, your true colours will eventually come
forth.
Don't harp about your ex:
Hauling around old baggage into a new relationship amounts to
clutter in your mind. And it will certainly rub him the wrong way,
to put it mildly. If you have baggage, then best to work it out in
individual therapy before pursuing a new relationship, at least to a
point where it isn't affecting your reactions and clouding your
judgment.
Avoid obsessing over details:
This one is common with those who worry. The worry may be a general
habit, but now it is turned on to your guy. Being anxious is a mood
killer, and will not make you attractive to a potential mate. But
don't go worrying about that! Try to tap into your self-confidence
and have trust that the relationship is meant to work out.
Avoid trying to control him by withdrawing sex:
One of the unhealthiest things you can do in a relationship is to
use sex as a weapon. It might even extend to simply saying you don't
feel 'in the mood' at that particular moment. Rather than trying to
exert some influence over your man by denying him his sexual
intimacy, try communicating directly about what you want and don't
want.
FEW COMMON COMPLAINT AREAS
Love seems to be the cause of all the happiness and pain in the
world. If your love is reciprocated, you will be the happiest person
on earth. But if your love is one-sided, that is, if it is not
returned to you in equal measure, then it can be a source of great
sorrow.
But what really is love? Is true love only the one that is
reciprocated? On the contrary, love is a one-way street. Love is
what you give, and not what you receive. Love is undemanding, it
never asks for anything in return. Though, deep down in our hearts,
each one of us knows this, it doesn't lessen the amount of grief
that unrequited love causes.
It takes real strength to accept that our love is not cherished and
not even given a second thought. But, what is it then that makes
people fall in love so recklessly? Love isn't a choice. There is
good in everyone. And when the good far outweighs the bad in a
person in our opinion, we start falling in love. We respect, like
and even blindly trust that person. This is what makes the pain of
rejection even more difficult to endure. We consider that person as
too good to be able to hurt us, and when they do, we are left
heartbroken.
One-sided love is like falling in love with the moon. You can only
wistfully stare at it, knowing fully that it can never be yours.
This feeling may depress you for a while, but people usually get
over it.
On the other hand, a one-sided relationship is potentially
dangerous. Usually the partner who does not love wishes to gain some
kind of advantage from this relationship. He/she will exploit the
other in some or the other way. They usually feel no remorse as they
use the other individual in order to obtain something in return.
Financial or physical exploitation are the most common reasons
behind this kind of relationship. Some people also agree to one-
sided relationships because they are too weak to say "no". They
would much rather be trapped in a fruitless relationship and give
the other a false sense of security than tell the truth about their
feelings. In either way, a one-sided relationship will eventually
make the "victim" realize that his/her trust has been breached.
So, how can one get over a one-sided relationship? The first thing
to do is to break-up at the slightest indication of being exploited.
Then, in order to get over your one-sided feelings, you must TRY to
stop thinking about them. Keep yourself busy, do anything that keeps
your mind occupied. Don't wallow in self-pity. Tell yourself you are
strong and that you can come out of this. And lastly, pledge that
you will never give anyone the false impression of being in love
with them. Don't do onto others what you wouldn't want them to do to
you
Here we reveal what men really prefer and what you should and
shouldn't do to improve your relationship:
What do men look for in a woman?
1) Move slowly. Mind your self-esteem. Never chase after him but be
fairly active. To encourage a man to begin a serious relationship,
you might need to convince him that you possess all the merits of
his ideal.
2) Men don't like it when someone points out their mistakes or tries
to seem smart. Foolish attempts to change a man will never do.
Verbal attack makes him feel confused.
3) Avoid being rude to him. A soft answer turns away wrath. Accept
his showering you with gifts. When you make an effort to improve
your relationship with a man, you should seem less indendent.
4) Show your interest in his business and profession, emphasise that
his activities are of high importance to you. Having not the
foggiest idea of the issue, ask him for advice and explanation. Be
swift to hear and slow to speak.
5) Show an overflow of respect to your man's parents. Tell him that
you adore them, especially his mother. Devote as much attention to
her as possible. One that respects not, is not respected.
6) Leave your guy in peace, give him an opportunity to relax and
turn matters over in his mind. From time to time, let him go out and
have fun with without you and with his friends.
7) Don't incite your guy by asking questions that are difficult to
answer. You may force him to conceal the truth by asking him if you
are beautiful or if he likes that girl more than you and other tough
ones.
So you've been trying very hard to woo that pretty, young thing, but
nothing seems to be working for you so far? More than doing the
right thing, it's about not doing the wrong thing! Here are the
mistakes no guy should ever make... Happy wooing!
Being too much of a nice guy:
Don't overdo the nice guy act, you can be a little rough at times.
But don't be a jerk.
Persuading her to like you:
Buddy, this is not the movies and you are not Tom Cruise or John
Travolta.
Constantly looking for her approval:
A woman needs a man, not a doormat. If you keep running to her to
seek permission to go to the loo, don't be surprised if she dumps
you, sooner or later.
Buying her love and affection with gifts:
Yes, women do love gifts, but they can't buy you love. To get her to
fall in love with you, you need more than gifts. Get a brain.
Sharing your dark secrets:
Not too early on in the relationship. Before telling her about that
rash, make sure she really digs you.
Failing to understand:
How a woman's mind works! For women's it's not just or all about the
looks, it is about how they feel with a man.
Dressing up like a dandy:
Dress like you always do. You don't have to take out your designer
clothes for a date.
Smelling bad:
This is one thing that is sure to put off most women. Get rid of BO.
Checking out other women:
Not when you are on a date, for heaven's sake! Even if Halle Berry
walks by, don't take your eyes off your date. Period.
Taking help from others:
If you are not able to do it, do not ask your friends to help you.
If you're not going to ask her out, you'll never get a date.
You have decided that you have found that perfect woman. That those
days of chilling out with the guys are over, and you are ready for
the next step - telling her that you love her. But consider these
before you actually do so:
What's The Reason?
Decide if you really want to say I love you, or if you have an
ulterior motive. Be very clear about what is your reason behind
deciding that she's the one. Are you feeling pressured? Is this just
so that your parents get off your back about finding someone? Say
those words only when you really mean them. Escalating a
relationship to the love phase for sexual, financial, or other
secondary reasons only causes problems down the road. Also, don't
get fooled into believing all the pressure is lifted once "I love
you" is on the table from both parties. Escalating a relationship to
this phase opens the door to discussing long term commitment and
possibly marriage. Be ready for the next steps if you say these
words.
Is She Ready?
Find out whether or not your partner is at the same juncture. It can
turn into a complete disaster otherwise. Jim, a software engineer
still shudders when he remembers, "I was dating my colleague and
felt that she is equally interested in me. We never really talked
things out and I never thought we needed to do so. But, when I told
her that I love her, she said that she thinks of me as another
friend. It really made things awkward for us and I finally asked for
a transfer to another group.' If your partner is using phrases
like, "I am falling for you", "I have never felt this way", or "I
could spend forever with you" there is a good chance your I love you
will be reciprocated.
Plan it Out
The best laid plans have a way of turning awry. So, make sure that
you have hit on the best way to communicate the message based on you
and your partner's style. If your partner loves text messages or
emails, consider a cyber-expression. If your partner is the
spontaneous type, then mix the "I love you" into a fun-filled
evening.
Back-Up Action
Saying "I love you" for the first time will be more meaningful and
impactful if you back it up with a few reasons. Women love to know
why you are saying that you fell for them and love it when you do
so. So, it's not enough to just say those magic words. According to
Steve, a chartered accountant, "After I told my girl-friend that I
loved her, her first response was 'How do you know?' I reminded her
about our first meeting and that I had really liked her feisty
spirit that time." So, do make sure to tell your partner what you
love about them.
Excessive jealousy or possessiveness is the leading reason behind
why people break up. If you are extremely possessive about your
partner, you could be sabotaging your own love life.
There are certain qualities that two people require to make a
relationship work. They need to be compatible, understand each
other, and share the same wavelength. Similarly, even when it comes
to destroying a relationship, it is not always one person who is at
fault. Sometimes, certain behavioural traits of a person can also
destroy a relationship. Things like past demons, jealousy and lack
of security can make people say or do things, which in turn affect
the relationship in a very negative way and as a result, cause
people to suffer. Just like it takes hard work to buid a
relationship, certain things are a sure way to end one. The
following are a few things that could lead your relationship in the
wrong dirrection.. .
Life could be difficult when you realise that the man you have
fallen in love with is married...
What do dating a married man and devouring a hot fudge sundae loaded
with almonds, whipped cream and lots of sauce have in common? Both
taste devilishly good, and both are sinfully bad for you. Sure, it's
human nature to want what you shouldn't have. But while the ice
cream concoction might expand your hips, loving someone else's man
can twist your heart in ways that are infinitely more disturbing
than a little weight gain and much harder to bounce back from.
"It is human to want what you cannot have. But draw the line when it
comes to somebody else's man. It can bring you only sadness, a sense
of discomfort and ultimately, humiliation. "
All Alone
If it's fear of commitment that compels you to seek out men with
wedding rings on their fingers, you'll be seeing clearly when you're
spending the majority of your Saturday nights alone waiting to see
if he can sneak out and see you.
Queen of Denial
Many women who succumb to the lure of the married man say, "Oh, I
can handle it. I won't fall in love." Uh, huh. And rain isn't wet.
When you have any sort of relationship with someone you care about,
he becomes a part of your life. And you inevitably want more
involvement. Only the more you want, the less he gives. And let's
not forget the "once a cheater, always a cheater" factor.
Can You Count on Him?
Even if he changes his cheating ways for you, do you really want to
be that woman - the one who wreaked havoc on his marriage in the
first place? Speaking of his marriage, even if you're convinced that
he's going to leave her, don't delude yourself into thinking that
this is a simple process.
You Might End Up Lonely
What you have when you love a married man is a fleeting thing, a
wave that crashes over you (perhaps knocking you down), then
vanishes into the ocean. That's it. You can never put his name down
on an application form under "Who to call in an emergency". You can
never count on him for weekends or holidays.
The seeming magic offered by the married man is style, not
substance; it's a trick mirror. He's a master of the art of
illusion. When darkness turns to dawn, he's gone and you've got
footprints on your heart. Resist his lure.
Things that kills your love life.
The green-eyed monster
Excessive jealousy or possessiveness is the leading reason behind
why people break up. If you are extremely possessive about your
partner, you could be sabotaging your own love life. Nobody likes
their life to be controlled by someone else. If your partner starts
to feel concerned by your desire to always control what he or she is
doing, they might just break free. If you are the type that gets
jealous easily, the next time you feel the feeling surfacing, remind
yourself that it could be worse for you to indulge in your jealousy,
rather than ignore it. Talk to your partner instead, and explain
that your possessiveness stems from the fact that you love him/her
immensely and that you are willing to work on changing.
Sex
If you are having sexual problems in your relationship and do not
talk to your partner about your issues, it could ruin your relation.
Sex is not th only thing, but then, it is a natural desire. If there
are problems in this department your best bet would be to voice your
feelings. If you continue to remain silent, it could lead to
frustation and you might end up losing your partner.
The past
Let the past remain in the past, there is no point in bringing it up
and allow it to affect your present. If you have issues, talk to
your loved ones. If you allow these issues to build they will not
only ruin your love life, but also extend to other relationships in
your love life.
Money problems
Money can cause a lot of tension between two people who are
intimate. The only way to solve money issues, is to reach middle
ground. If you love shopping, limit your expenses. Similarly, the
partner who likes to save should loosen his or her fist a little and
learn to enjoy the money that is earned.
Former lovers
No one likes it if their partner still has feelings for their ex, or
even an implication that their partner favours another's company.
So, if you are still in touch with your ex, you need to stop it
before it destroys your current relationship. If you feel that both
of you are genuinely just friends with your respective exex, learn
to accept that. Otherwise you both need to sit down and have a talk
as to where you stand in each other's lives, so that there is no
room for doubt.
Can You Really Trust The Person That You Are Dating Online?
Heather is a 42 year old American lady.Divorced with two
children,she
decided to try online dating to possibly get a new partner. She
signed up with one of the popular dating sites and set up a
profile.The anonymity and security of online dating appealed to her
and she hoped it would work out for her.
In a matter of days, she was contacted by a man who also claimed to
be looking for a love relationship. The man was handsome,also
divorced and in his mid-forties. He claimed to be an engineer living
in the United States, but was sent on an assignment by his company
to Nigeria.
They began to chat and exchange mails, and soon began a relationship
online.He sent flowers to her from time to time, sent poems
everyday, called her up twice a day. Heather felt that she had
finally found the man of her dreams. Surely,this was the perfect
relationship that she had wanted since her divorce.
Here was a man who was caring and who showed it. She readily agreed
to his proposal when he called her over the phone and asked her to
marry him. They began to make plans to get married as soon as he
returned to the United States.
Heather felt all was going on well with their plans until he made a
distress call.He had been involved in a road accident and had been
hospitalized. Could she help out with some money to pay the bills?
Well,she did help.
A sequence of events followed afterwards. Weeks later, she
discovered that the man she had fallen in love with was not the real
person she had thought he was.She had just been taken by the newest
form of online scams that is just showing up--the romance or
dating scam.
She was heartbroken. She had lost thousands of dollars to this
man.She was behind on her mortgage and was in debt to the bank. But
painful as the experience was,it could not be compared to the
emotional pain that she had to go through.
It would take many months before she would get over the whole
experience, which she described as a nightmare. Heather is not the
only one that is a victim of this new form of scam.Many thousands of
people online are losing millions of dollars monthly to these scams.
But due to the secretive nature of the internet, most people that
have been scammed this way are either too embarassed or ashamed to
talk about their experience. In a particular finding, 145 men and
women reported that they lost over $1 million in two months in 2005.
In that same finding, thousands of people refused to disclose any
information about their losses.
The worst aspect of these scams has been the emotional pains the
victims have had to go through. Many of the victims I talked with
reported that it took them many months before they could get back to
their normal life.
A lady told me that she cried for many nights after she realized
that she had been scammed. She had thought she had the ideal
lover,and had become so emotionally attached to him. Realizing that
it was all a lie was devastating to her. The fact that she had been
in deep love with a fake person was what pained her the most.
This is the same experience as many of the victims I related with
have had.The effects of the scams have had so much of a devastating
effect on them all. Medical doctors, lawyers,paralegals and other
professionals have been known to lose money to these scams just as
housewives, students, factory workers and other low-income earners
have. The scams are no respecter of status or race. Not even
religious people have been spared from this growing menace.
Till this moment, thousands of people are out there trying to get
over
these scams . But even as those who have been scammed are trying to
get on with their lives, many more thousands are being set up for a
scam right now.
Online dating has come to stay with us all, and many people have
found true love through this avenue. Online dating has produced many
successful love stories. It is a medium that if properly used, with
the right education, can be a means of bringing love into the lives
of many.
However, it is apparent that it is also increasingly being used for
the
wrong purposes. Given the high success rate of the scams however,
the best way to deal with them is to educate yourself about them.
You need to learn how to separate the wheat from the chaff. Knowing
the methods that the scammers use will help you not to fall for
their antics. You will be able to know what to do to protect
yourself and still be able to date successfully.
As the saying goes, prevention is better than cure.
Whether entering a new relationship or trying to re-build an
existing one, trust is an issue that needs to be dealt with
sensitivity. At times a past incident hinders people from trusting
their partner. But the lack of this vital ingredient stunts the
growth of a relationship.
However, building trust isn't easy. It is a gradual process and may
take months, even years. But there are things that you can do to
help your partner to begin to rely on you...
KEEP YOUR PARTNER INFORMED
When you are planning to make some major change in your life make
sure you let your partner know beforehand. There is nothing more
annoying than hearing about it from someone else. If you are going
for a complete makeover or shifting, include him/her in the decision-
making process.
BELIEVE IN YOUR MATE
If you expect your partner to have faith in you, then you've got to
give him/her the same in return. If your lover is starting a new
business or trying to learn new languages, utter a few words of
encouragement. Let your partner know that you fully support him/her
and will always be ready to help.
SHARE YOUR NEEDS
When talking to your partner let him/her know exactly what you like
and need. Remember, your partner is not a mind reader and cannot
guess what makes you happy. He/she will appreciate the fact that you
are opening up and talking. And that is the road to having a
fulfilling relationship.
COMMUNICATE
In any relationship, it is important to be frank and not conceal
important things. And if you are open with your partner then they
too will feel comfortable with you. But if you hide something and
they find out, the bond you share might suffer. So just be open from
the beginning and avoid secrets.
BE YOURSELF
When with your lover it is best to simply be who you are. Don't put
on a fake face and pretend to be someone you are not. Remember, your
partner knows you well and will be able to notice the change. If you
want to rebuild the trust in your relationship, try to know that you
don't need to change to impress him/her, but you need to show
him/her who you really are so that he/she can trust you again.
STICK TO YOUR OPINION
While many believe that agreeing with your partner all the time
leads to a good relationship, this is not true. It is good to have a
mind of your own and express yourself from time to time. If you
constantly agree with your lover, he/ she will think there is
something wrong. So stick to your arguments once in a while.
ESTABLISH BOUNDARIES
It is good to create certain boundaries in relationships. You should
let your partner know clearly if any of their habits tend to
irritate you. Maybe you don't like your lover going for movies alone
with a member of the opposite sex or if his/her relationship with a
work colleague bothers you. Share what you need to feel secure in
your relationship and ask him/her to do the same.
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
If you have made a mistake and lied about something, own up to your
fault. Don't pretend as if it didn't happen or it will make your
partner doubt you even more. Everyone goofs up. So if you admit to
it immediately, there is a greater chance that your partner will
forgive you and let it go.
Nothing spreads faster than a juicy piece of gossip, especially if
the subject matter involves a relationship. It is a fact that your
past relationships and how you behaved with your former lovers, has
an impact on your current love life.
It is not only important to break-up with someone on amicable terms,
it is equally important that you maintain a fairly decent reputation
as someone's boyfriend or girlfriend. Are you wondering what you
shouldn't be doing if you want to maintain a good reputation? Read
on...
Did you cheat?
If you have the reputation of being a cheater, don't feel very proud
of the fact that you might have conquered so many men or women. The
fact is, once people know that you are disposed towards cheating or
two-timing they might just stop dating you. Even if a man or woman
does date you, it will never be serious. They probably know that
you'd cheat on them and therefore, they will only want to be
involved with you on a casual level.
Don't get abusive
Do you always break-up with someone because he or she thinks you're
too emotionally or physically abusive? If yes, mend your ways. You
cannot expect someone to remain with you if you constantly abuse
their physiological or psychological well-being. In fact, if most of
your relationships have ended because of the above reason, word will
get around that you have a problem controlling your abusive
tendencies and soon enough you will find it hard to get someone to
date you.
Be faithful
Do you keep making promises that you don't keep? Have you often
stood someone up after making plans with him or her? People don't
appreciate being ditched. Besides, if you are the one who is always
doing the ditching, everyone will sympathise with the one who is
left waiting. Regardless, of how many excuses you might have, people
will see you as someone who ditches. So try to show up at least
sometimes.
Kiss and tell
While few people can resist a good gossiping session, there are also
things people don't really want to know. If you kiss and then go and
tell the entire world about it, can you blame anyone who is hesitant
about getting involved with you? And generally, details of your sex
life should stay private, not just out of respect for your partner,
but also out of respect for yourself. If you sleep with someone and
by the next day everyone knows about it, don't be surprised if you
find it hard to find someone who wants to be with you.
Stop exploiting your partner
Don't use your partner or take advantage of him or her. If you
borrow something like money or valuables from your partner, return
it. There is a thin line between using and abusing, so dont cross it.
Living off someone
To be a freeloader is not socially acceptable; your friends or
partner will notice sooner or later that yours is always the wallet
that remains tightly shut when it comes to footing the bill. If you
end up with the reputation of being a freeloader, watch out, you'll
soon find yourself all alone and will be forced to pay your own
bills, which is something you should have done in the first place.
A good reputation can take you a long way. A little bit if good will
can help you maintain a healthy relationship.
Love Obsession
Are you with a clingy lover? Read on to find out if your partner's
infatuation with you is something to be concerned about...
Falling in love can send you in a tizzy. It is common to suddenly
develop deep emotional bonds and passionate feelings for someone.
However, after the initial rush and excitement of a new romance has
subsided, one partner may notice that the other's behaviour has
changed significantly. Petty arguments become much more significant.
He/she may become more demanding of your time and attention. Before
you realise it, you may be caught in an unhealthy obsessive
relationship.
Sometimes an obsession is just temporary and the relationship
returns to normal, but other times the obsessed partner will exhibit
signs of emotional instability and possessiveness.
Here are some warning signs of an obsessive relationship.
Need to keep in touch
It is not unusual for a couple to call each other frequently or send
personal messages to each other throughout the day. But when one
partner leaves numerous messages knowing that the other person is
not at home to return them, you need to be careful. You may notice
that your lover sends numerous emails in spite of meeting on a
regular basis and if by chance you can't pick up his/her call your
partner gets angry. Gifts may suddenly escalate in intimacy. You
could be gifted expensive jewellery or intimate apparel. This is a
sure sign that you're with an obsessed partner.
Not respecting boundary lines
This is a classic warning sign during the non-committal dating
phase. You might tell your partner not to call on your home line
after 11 pm or not to visit you at work. The next day, he/she will
suddenly call little past midnight disturbing your entire family.
The problem is that often the person will think it is humorous to
violate your rules. If your lover constantly doesn't respect your
privacy or boundaries you have set, you need to keep an eye on
him/her.
Snooping around
Obsessive people often try to find out the as much as possible about
their partners. It's alright if your lover asks family members about
your childhood, but if he/she carries out online searches or seeks
out friends for detailed interviews you should get worried. This can
get creepy and it's best to get out of such a relationship.
Making mountains of molehills
When you are in a relationship with an obsessive partner you may
find that he/she turns small issues into big fights. The most common
fights are generally over a partner's possessiveness. He/she may
tell you not to speak to certain friends or ex-lovers. If you go
somewhere without informing him/her, it may turn into a major
argument. Initially it may, just seem as if your partner is jealous,
but you will realise that his/her behaviour is something more
serious.
Breaking-up
A break-up is a painful thing for almost all couples but for an
obsessive partner it is almost fatal. Most obsessive partners get
even more emotional and passionate when relationships end. He/she
may still call often and tell you how much he/she misses you.Sometimes they may stalk you and want to know about whom you are
dating and where you are going. The best thing you can do in such a
case is to suggest counselling before they hurt you or themselves.
Obsession can be a bad mental illness, so it shouldn't be taken
lightly.
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